By Stephenie Craig, Journey Bravely
Do you ever find yourself leaning out of something you fear? Maybe you fear conflict so you avoid a hard conversation. Or, maybe you fear rejection so you present a false version of yourself to escape feeling judged by others. Or, maybe you fear abandonment so you close yourself off from others to avoid feeling unimportant. At the time, leaning out seems like a helpful strategy, because it alleviates the immediate discomfort of your fear. But, upon closer examination, what is the larger result of leaning out?
Not having hard conversations often results in lack of resolution, lack of understanding and long-term resentment. Instead of creating less conflict, avoidance creates larger future conflict. Running from fear of rejection by presenting an inauthentic self ultimately creates a situation where you don’t know if people truly accept you for you.
Instead of creating acceptance, a false version of self ends up creating more feelings of rejection. Closing yourself off from others to avoid abandonment actually creates more internal loneliness and abandonment. Ironically, leaning out of the thing you fear often creates more of the thing you fear.
So, if leaning out doesn’t work, then what?
As it turns out, the way to get what you really want is to lean into your fear instead of leaning out. Have the difficult conversation and prove to yourself you can make it through conflict and survive, often with a helpful outcome. Show up as an authentic version of yourself and learn that those who judge you aren’t your people and those who want to be close to the real you truly appreciate you for you.
Allow yourself to be close to others even when it feels like they might leave you as a pathway to vulnerable connection. Getting what you really want happens through the risk of leaning into your fear.
So, how are you supposed to lean into fear when the instinct to lean out is so strong?
Eight Ways to Lean Into Fear to Get What You Really Want:
Notice what you fear and instinctively want to avoid. Notice fearful, repetitive thoughts. Notice people or situations you are avoiding. Notice signs of anxiety in your body. Name the fear and the avoidance. “I’m afraid I’ll upset my partner if I’m honest and I’m avoiding having the conversation.”
Identify what you really want. “What I really want is closeness and open connection with my partner.”
Identify how to align your behavior with what you want. “If I want to be close, open and connected with my partner, I need to communicate honestly even if it scares me.”
Notice unhealthy coping patterns of leaning out. Notice when you are avoiding. Notice when you are striving in unhealthy ways. Notice when you are engaged in self-protective defensiveness. Notice your personal brand of leaning out behavior around fear.
Lean into the thing you fear. Remind yourself you will survive the fear. Remember avoiding your fear will create more of what you fear. Do the uncomfortable thing. Remember anticipatory anxiety is usually worse than doing the thing you fear.
Sustain leaning in. Lean in long enough to get to the other side of your fear. Repeat leaning into your fear until your brain remembers it’s a useful strategy.
Evaluate the results of leaning in. Leaning in won’t always get your desired results, however, leaning out will always lead to more problems eventually. Notice how you feel about yourself when you lean into fear. Notice when leaning into fear produces helpful results.
Practice. Keep practicing until leaning into fear is a way of life. Celebrate and be proud of yourself as you are progressing.
Be brave and patient as you learn to lean into fear and walk in the confidence that follows. Connect with us along your journey at Journeybravely.com.
