By Stephenie Craig
The holidays are over and New Year messages are here. Change yourself. Change your life. Lose weight. Earn more money. Look younger. Do more. Take better trips. Buy better stuff. Eat differently. You and your life aren’t enough. Spend money to be a better, more acceptable version of yourself.
While a life-long journey of growth is a healthy pursuit, common New Year messages miss the mark for changing your life. Most messages focus on external adjustments to create a better life. In reality, internal character patterns drive your external behavior. You can drink less, however, if you don’t understand the emotional connection between coping and drinking, you are unlikely to sustain change. You can work out and eat differently, but if you don’t address how stress or historical beliefs impact your food/fitness habits, you are unlikely to sustain change.
What if you shifted from setting external behavior goals to setting internal character goals? What if instead of focusing on working out, weight loss, or drinking less, you focused on strengthening determination, self-control, kindness, or curiosity? It’s likely that internal character growth will result in greater success in adjusting external habits. If you grow in self-control, you will set different boundaries with alcohol or money. If you grow in kindness, you will respond more kindly in relationships. So, how do you shift from external behavior goals to internal character growth?
7 Ways to Focus on Internal Character Growth
1 – Identify your character growth area. Ask yourself: What do I really want to be true in my life and relationships? Then, notice a character trait you need to shift in order for your desired reality to become true. An example for a parent: When my kids are adults, I want to have a supportive, patient, curious relationship with them that motivates them to want to spend time with me. Character traits to consider addressing to help this desire become a reality: Are you currently patient? Are you currently asking curious questions and listening? Are you currently communicating support? Choose the area where you need the most growth.
2 – Notice patterns and situations related to your growth area. If your growth area is patience, notice when you tend to rush others. Notice when you are short with others. Notice the frequency of the character struggle and the situations in which it occurs.
3 – Identify and increase understanding regarding the origin of the character pattern and how it is impacting your current life. Did your family of origin value being kind? When did being kind feel like a problem for you when you were younger? Counseling may be a helpful tool if you struggle to understand the origins of your character pattern.
4 – Determine what you need to know inside to be able to let go of the current character pattern in favor of the character you are trying to grow. To embrace more determination, you may need to know that you can do hard things. To embrace more curiosity, you may need to know you don’t have to know everything.
5 – Try a new way. Notice when you want to judge others rather than extending kindness. Stop. Breathe. Remember what you are growing toward. Try suspending judgment, then asking a curious question truly seeking to understand. See how it feels. Notice the result.
6 – Embrace the discomfort that comes with releasing the way you are used to doing things. Remind yourself that it is okay to feel uncomfortable releasing the past way to create space for more helpful character growth.
7 – Repeat to sustain growth. Keep slowing down and trying the new way of being. You are rewiring your brain through repetition and over time, it will become more natural.
As you develop an internal character trait, remember to notice how that change supports other external changes you are hoping to see in your life. Be patient with yourself. Change takes time. Connect with us at Journeybravely.com for support along your journey.
