By Stephenie Craig
Do you ever find yourself feeling nervous because you don’t know what to say in conversation? Maybe you fear you will say the wrong thing, you don’t have anything interesting to say, or you don’t know how to keep a conversation going. Maybe you have anxiety because you fear everyone is looking at you and waiting for you to say something stupid. Maybe you worry that someone will ask you a question you don’t know how or don’t want to answer.
Social situations can feel intimidating and stressful if you don’t have practiced conversation skills. You might assume people are looking for highly intellectual conversation, expert advice, or experienced problem solving. These assumptions can leave you feeling inadequate and anxious. In reality, people mostly want to feel seen and understood. And, surprisingly, you can be excellent at seeing and understanding people without needing all of the answers.
So, how do you approach conversations in ways that feel meaningful and authentic to yourself and others?
8 Ways to Create and Sustain Meaningful Conversation
- Remember most people enjoy talking about themselves. Inviting others to talk about their life experience often gets conversation started including questions like: What gets you really excited about your work? What fun plans do you have coming up? What do you love about your favorite hobby? Tell me about how school has been going.
- Identify an area of passion and ask follow-up questions. What do you love about aviation? What is your favorite plane? What museums have you visited? What got you started learning golf? Where is your favorite golf course?
- Follow up, follow up, follow up questions. Often we ask a question, the other person answers and then we let the conversation drop. Instead, try asking additional questions about something they said. What trips do you have coming up? We are going to Disney World in a couple of months. What parks are you going to? What are you most looking forward to about Disney? What made you decide to go on the trip?
- Ask open ended questions. Instead of asking a yes or no question, try asking questions that begin with words like what or how. What do you hope will happen in your work meeting? How will you feel if you get the award? How will you handle it if you aren’t invited to the party? What would feel supportive to you right now?
- Reflect back what you heard including some emotion. It sounds like you studied really hard for that exam and it sounds like you are disappointed with the grade you received.
- Validate. Validating is simply letting the other person know their feelings and experience are both valid. All people have feelings and their experience is valid even if you don’t agree. It sounds like your feelings were hurt when you were left out of the friend gathering. Being left out feels really hard and hurtful. I can see how you would be feeling upset.
- Avoid advice giving unless asked directly and it seems helpful. Most people don’t take advice from others even when they ask for it. Then, when you give advice and the other person does not take the advice, it introduces awkward dynamics into the relationship. When others ask for advice, try saying, “I’m really not sure what you should do. What are you thinking about doing?” This helps the other person process their own ideas which they are more likely to use.
- Engage boundaries directly. As others ask you questions in conversation, answer as you feel comfortable. If someone asks you a question you’d rather not answer, feel free to say so directly and kindly. I’m not comfortable talking about my complicated relationship with my parents, however, I really appreciate you taking an interest in my life. Then continue the conversation in another direction if you wish to stay engaged.
These conversation tools apply to friendships, family members, new and old relationships. Try practicing some as you enter into the holiday season with parties and gatherings. Remember, people most deeply want to feel seen and understood more than they want you to prove you have something important to say. As always, be patient and gracious with yourself as you learn and try new skills until you feel confident in them. Connect with us for counseling and coaching support along your journey at Journeybravely.com.
