By Stephenie Craig
I found myself standing in the kitchen littered with craft buckets, rocks, pillows, stress balls, chore charts, money charts, an emotions poster, and a desperate grasp for control and change. More than one of the kids were in developmental seasons of big feelings with big behavior and I was attempting to implement “parental support” to feel in control of others’ behavior that was clearly beyond my control. I decided to create a positive reinforcement system, a calming closet, chore structure, and a money education plan all at the same time to “support the kids.” Seems pretty realistic to change all of those at once, doesn’t it?!
When life feels out of control and change is needed, you may feel tempted to rush it, throwing various change strategies into practice simultaneously. Maybe you’ve started multiple strategies to address health, weight goals, relationships, professional challenges, parenting, or something else. In the midst of stress, rushing change can become a way of avoiding the uncomfortable reality that sustainable change takes time, learning, and energy in a new direction over months to produce deep and lasting results. Sometimes small change can be sustained in short time periods, however, most change takes months and years to bear noticeable fruit in life.
Once you let go of trying to implement many change strategies to get a quick result, you are able to better identify and implement the area and strategy of change that will address the root of the struggle. You can always try additional strategies once your primary change effort begins to flourish.
So, how are you supposed to approach sustainable, steady change?
7 Ways to Create Sustainable Change Without Rushing It
1. Notice stress as a sign for inward reflection. Notice when you are feeling discomfort in your chest, stomach, head, muscles. Notice irritability, low motivation, anxious thoughts/behavior. Notice numbing behaviors like drinking, smoking/vaping, drug use, shopping, gambling, spending, phone scrolling, or other things you do to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
2. Openly acknowledge your stress. Tell yourself it’s normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Remind yourself stress often points to an area of needed change.
3. Engage healthy calming to get out of fight/flight/freeze responses. Take 2 minutes to deep breathe, go for a walk, talk to a trusted friend, pray, journal, use your creativity. Use healthy coping (not numbing) to help regulate your immediate stress level so you can use rational thinking skills again (rational thinking goes offline when we get emotionally overwhelmed).
4. Once calm, identify the problem. Name the problem and allow yourself to think and talk about the issue as needed. “My kids are having lots of tantrums and that makes me feel like a bad parent. I’m trying to control their behavior because of my discomfort and my fear they will become bad people. I need to figure out what I can reasonably change and what I need to accept as the reality of parenting kids through hard stages.”
5. Sort what you can and can’t control. Controlling others’ behavior is impossible and the only person you can control is yourself. “I can’t control my kids crying or melting down. I can be in charge of my emotional health, my patience, my approach to connection and correction, and providing them with opportunities for healthy sleep and nutrition.”
6. Choose one area of change to begin addressing what you can control. “When my kids start melting down, I’m going to use deep breathing and remember my job is to guide them through the emotions their developing brains can’t yet handle well. I’m going to keep a steady voice, calm body and I’m going to validate their emotions and offer two calming skills they can relate to.”
7. Stick with the one area of change until it feels natural. Avoid changing other things while you are focused on your one area of change. It can take 3-6 weeks or longer for a new behavior to feel routine. Adding too many changes at once will make sustaining long-term change difficult. Once you have your first change area incorporated, try adding another area of change in the same manner.
Be patient and kind as you work toward change. Our brains are wired to be moldable and change takes time and consistent practice. Keep going, celebrating your successes and being gracious in your failures. Not rushing change produces noticeable, significant life transformation. If you need support along your journey of change, connect with us for counseling and coaching at Journeybravely.com.
