By Stephenie Craig, Journey Bravely
When did you last experience a big, uncomfortable feeling you did not manage well? Maybe you experienced rejection and felt deeply sad. Maybe someone treated you poorly and you felt intense anger. Perhaps you made a mistake and you felt shame. How did you behave when you experienced the feeling? Were you unkind to yourself? Did you behave poorly and then blame others? Did you drink or scroll to numb out? Did you break something?
Feelings come and go throughout each day and yet most of us do not have a sense of confidence about managing uncomfortable feelings. In his book, Dealing with Feeling, Marc Brackett, PhD, founding director of Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence shares that only 10% of the American population receive any education about how to understand or manage feelings. In my experience meeting with people for 25 years, about 9 out of 10 people entering therapy do not understand how to identify or work through uncomfortable feelings.
Most of us are engaging in avoidance or numbing strategies such as drinking, other substance use, scrolling, shopping, gambling, controlling others, over scheduling, among others to keep from facing uncomfortable feelings. Avoidance produces a cycle of emotional dysregulation that negatively impacts relationships, life performance, and overall health. In short, not knowing how to identify and manage your feelings well is likely reducing your quality of life and your positive impact in the world.
So, if you want to grow in emotional maturity to increase your positive experience and impact in life, what do you do?
6 Ways to Learn How to Manage Your Feelings Well
Reflect and set intention. How are you managing feelings? Take notes about how you and others are experiencing your emotional highs and lows. Note if you have been ashamed or received negative feedback regarding your emotional expression. Create 1-2 goals about how you would like to improve your handling of feelings. “I would like to know how to use 3-4 healthy strategies to manage feelings.”
Cultivate physical emotional curiosity. Notice your body’s signals about what you are feeling. Notice sensations in your stomach, chest, face, head, and extremities. Notice body temperature, muscle tension, energy level. Notice tears, urge to slam something, exhaustion level. Your physical body gives you signals to help you determine what specific feeling you are experiencing. Listen closely to your body rather than ignoring physical signals.
Name your feelings. After collecting physical data, practice matching data to a feeling word. When you notice tight jaw, hot body temperature, and desire to slam something, that might be anger. When you notice tight chest, pit in your stomach, and fast heart rate, that might be anxiety. Try recording your common feelings and list physical sensations that go with each feeling. Continue recording over time until you feel confident your list reflects your emotional experience.
Evaluate emotional coping tools. Name/record avoidance/numbing strategies, and record trends of when and how you use them. “I start drinking around 4 and continue until bedtime to take the edge off.” “I start scrolling when I’m stressed and bored and am logging 5 hours per day.” Begin practicing healthy coping strategies that regulate emotional highs and lows creating space to return to a feeling from a calm state to process its meaning for your life. Try taking a walk, voice or regular journaling, talking to a trusted person, deep breathing exercises, fitness activities, creative pursuits, getting into nature, and nervous system regulation tools (search “vagal toning exercises”).
Transition from avoidance/numbing to healthy coping. Begin intentionally replacing numbing strategies with healthy coping tools. With consistency and time, you will find your brain naturally gravitates to what you are doing most often even if it is difficult at first.
Face life struggles head on. Once you become skilled noticing, naming, and coping through feelings. Return to the internal or external situation that evoked the feeling in the first place. From a place of calm, try understanding what the feeling was telling you and what meaningful action steps you will take in order to participate in life and relationships from a healthier, intentional place.
Commit to growing emotional skills consistently over the next year and check in next January to see how this practice has influenced your life. Access helpful worksheets on the Resources tab at Journeybravely.com including “Comfortable and Uncomfortable Feelings,” “Feelings Word List,” “Healthy vs. Unhealthy Coping Skills.” Connect with us along your journey for coaching and counseling at Journeybravely.com.
